Kimmel was out for the entirety of last week due to testing positive for Covid-19. He claims he had it easy. He jokes about how he got better so quickly.
“Let me tell you- I drank so much bleach, my teeth are whiter than a fundraiser at Mar-A-LAgo look at that.”
The host has avoided having covid since 2020 which gave him a reason to be proud.
“I was obnoxiously pleased with myself that I hadn’t gotten it yet and every time I’d meet somebody who’s had it- I’d be like, “Oh, yeah. No, I haven’t had it.” He continues, “I guess it means I’m smarter and stronger than you. I don’t know.”
His quick recovery made him think that maybe there is some truth to the conspiracies floating around about Covid-19. “I guess I’m here to tell you – Covid is a hoax and they were right afterall.”
Mike Birbiglia stepped in for Kimmel while he was out and did such a good job that even his mom seemed to prefer Birbiglia over him. “In fact my mom, yesterday, was going on and on about what a great job Mike did,” he said. “To the point where it almost became insulted.” And it’s true, the host really did feel a way about his mom’s compliments for Birbiglia. “I was like “Yeah- OK, Mike’s not your son, okay! Mike didn’t spend 200 dollars on those flowers that are sitting on the table.”
Watch the full opening monologue above.